A fOOls eXistence


Wish me happy birthday on July 2nd 1992. I finally turn 21.

I’m on the receiving end of my own disaster. I created this monster of a life. How can I bare to go through this moment thinking, possibly wondering, why it’s not working out for me.

I feel dreary.. Like every second I live through this I am pained by the existence of non existence.. The price of not having a price to pay.. The moments where I have no moments to experience. The near emptiness of my being.

I deceived myself into thinking he would stay with me. I believed they would make amends. Come back, be friends. A bullshit fantasy only I could concoct and convey so that love could.. Exist. In the form I wanted it to.

So I embark on this wild, fantastic journey. A horoscope once read is now playing itself into existence and I let it because I fucked up my reality. So why not give the ethereal universe a shot at it. Blinded by these make believe hopes and dreams..more often than I’m supposed to I believe only one thing these days..that being I’m a fool

Fools ignore the reality that ups and downs do exist and plagiarize life into a Disney story. I’m being patient and hoping for the best.

Wish me happy birthday on July 2nd 1992. I finally turn 21. I finally reached my end goal. And all other subsequent goals merely fell out of place.

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Finally falling


It’s the hardest thing thinking about what if. Everyday, I want to kick myself in the foot and say why did we let each other go. Some people are better off apart it allows them time to grow.

Mike and I have been having a hard time ever since he left and came back from South America. I didn’t know it then but I certainly know it now: it’s not our time and I wish it was. Making a commitment to be with someone for the long run is such a progressional thing. One that involves time and a promise leading in to bigger things to come. We both felt the same way about breaking off.. After over 2 years of dating.

I’m not shocked, I’m sad because the world is designed in a way that pushes people to move or be moved by the forces of nature. Consistency was never a pattern of life. I blamed it on my ill fortune that I ended up with a guy who had graduated and is now long distance with me.. Same goes for other men who I’ve had relationships with.

And when it comes to this guy I had met 6 months ago, his names Weeman, I get confused about who I have feelings for. Weeman triggers excitement in my world and wants to have fun.. I had that fun. There’s quiet solitude in my head because I acknowledge he is just like other “bro’s” who want sex.

We can’t alter or change how a person acts. The need to place effort kn our characters and actions only comes with true motivation. This is prompted by inspiration or love of another person. Weeman has no love for me, maybe for his ex.. I can’t change a “bro”.. You can’t change a “hoe” and why would I need to when I’m so exhausted by relationships at this point. Mike changed for me.. He was there through and through because I offered him that inspiration.

It’s a common mistake to want life to just pause., I move forward feeling single.. More mature than ever before.. A fast track to independence. I thought my journey was alone now I feel more alone than ever before..

Missing mike. But knowing that he’ll need to go down his path alone and so will I

Bro’s & Hoe’s


Little did the women in my life know that what we wanted wasn’t a man who stayed but a man who stayed with the intent of making both my life and his life better. We always fall in the same rabbit hole that we think is “cliche” to fall in to.

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My friend IsAwesome, long time pessimist extraordinaire and oldest of all my girlfriends on campus recently broke up with a guy she’s been in a relationship with for 3 years! This is not to say they didn’t enjoy each other’s company in the time that they were together but they definitely was a tension between them. We searched the fucker up and pieced up all we knew about him and concluded that…he was a bro without the bro-ness.

 

Last week I ushered a show where i had my own intense encounter with this kind of the male species. The bro’s piled in to the auditiorium in anticipation of the greatest electroique concert there ever was at the Univeristy Within and what with the hype they also flirted, did the bro-ski handshake, and showed of their slightly irritating bro bodies. No kidding, these guys are trying to be huge but their not. You know what they say big ego…small package.

 

All I know is trying to forget this one guy that came into my life has probably been the hardest experience for me these passed couple of months, who knew he was a bro too.

 

and so the bro-hood continues and it’s army of slightly annoying individuals continues to fuel what we know today as.. America. Sports, beer and a brohandshake later, I feel a lot more like the stereotypical American “bro” would. And I’m not even a dude. My friend and many other women in this country failt o see that this isn’t the kid of man that looks forward but looks outward at what he sees. If he sees a 6-pack of beers and ESPN that’s where his legs are taking him! My mind is boggled by the idea that IsAwesome (big Accounting fiesty mamasita)..myself (business-minded knit-wit) can get attracted to that kind of man.. but that’s because those outward experiences are manifested in our heads and transformed from being a plain, simple minded goofball to a straightforward,candid man.

 

Big difference – that’s like calling an onion a potato..they may look the same from a far (altered by your self perception) but they are completely different.

 

I’ve been through this before and realize that bro’s belong with hoe’s. Plain and simple. as simple minded as a bro’s bro would be. If he can’t see passed two-three months down the line with you, or share the same belief that the connection you have (a friendship, a network, a small conversation or a sexual relationship) is real and here to stay then don’t make it stay. Hoe’s don’t think that much, hoe’s don’t ask for much, hoe’s don’t expect much so we should never stoop to their level of embodiment.  

 

I am reminded everyday how the expectations of others and for ourselves matter a great deal in who we associate with. These bro’s are not bad seeds, their bad seeds for the future we want to create for ourselves. 

Dignity / Sanity


Like tears of rain on a wet earth, I shudder at the thought of writing this post and feeling like what I’m writing is complete shit. But I write on.. you know why? because it’s all a question of examining WHY, and WHY did it happen.

Day in, day out I question why Martin left – that day I try to figure out the reasons why friends, particularly old friends, decide to call it quits. He was so cold with his text as if I spoke to him with a sharp tongue and all he could do to suppress his anger at me was to tell em to shut up, how dare he? who the fuck is he to talk to me like that? and what about our time in District of Prayer???My answer is that we grow out of the people we once were and try to become the people we always imagined we would be. It’s a silent agreement between friend and friend that this has to happen at this particular shitty time, when neither of us talk but agree that distance makes the heart understand. 

The passage of time is a strange thing and as I sat there thinking about what had made my relationship with Martin and many other friends I made in the Isle of Corruption sour, I began to contemplate that only I could have cheated myself that life wouldn’t take those people away from me. What were to be my greatest high school moments never happened and when it was time I was gone. Locked away in one way or the other by my situation, my parents, my environment, my own heart. 

I favor Dignity over Sanity any day. To me, Dignity represents walking away from a situation knowing that what you represent is more than what the other person can give you. Sanity underlines the measure of insanity you can experience before you need to placate yourself with a drug.. My addiction to the past has led me to this post, because of the challenge of dignity versus sanity, I stand here today puzzled by the mix of emotions that the past, ill-left behind and never resurrected, plays in my life as a whole. My friends and family would say “leave it behind, leave them behind”

Time heals all but why can’t it heal the complexity of this issue-when had we decided as humans to truly stop caring about one another and leave those remnants of our previous encounters, challenges, experiences, and escapades behind. Are we so sick as to never look back? Maintain your Dignity and move on because you are worth more than the situation can afford you, muscle in the pride and take a step forward instead of a step back into a new, righteous of life..that is fucking Dignity.

I can be insane-like a new fix i can be insane for you..i can be insane for you too, i can be crazy..text you and want you to want me but..

 

alas. i don’t care any more because you found the girl that makes you skip, that sets that smile in the morning and kisses those lips in the evening.

 

alas. you’ve found a great journey and only dignity and time can tell. I  hold my sanity in my hand and thank the god’s that I can leave and never return. It doesn’t pain it me it makes me realize how glorious life can treat you and give you a moment and time when you experienced somebody or something beautiful.. but nothing lasts forever and we must accept..i have to accept and i am accepting.

 

that it’s time to let go of all the complexity’s that made letting go so insanely hard. 

 

I have guided my heart into a brighter dawn.

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