Like tears of rain on a wet earth, I shudder at the thought of writing this post and feeling like what I’m writing is complete shit. But I write on.. you know why? because it’s all a question of examining WHY, and WHY did it happen.
Day in, day out I question why Martin left – that day I try to figure out the reasons why friends, particularly old friends, decide to call it quits. He was so cold with his text as if I spoke to him with a sharp tongue and all he could do to suppress his anger at me was to tell em to shut up, how dare he? who the fuck is he to talk to me like that? and what about our time in District of Prayer???My answer is that we grow out of the people we once were and try to become the people we always imagined we would be. It’s a silent agreement between friend and friend that this has to happen at this particular shitty time, when neither of us talk but agree that distance makes the heart understand.
The passage of time is a strange thing and as I sat there thinking about what had made my relationship with Martin and many other friends I made in the Isle of Corruption sour, I began to contemplate that only I could have cheated myself that life wouldn’t take those people away from me. What were to be my greatest high school moments never happened and when it was time I was gone. Locked away in one way or the other by my situation, my parents, my environment, my own heart.
I favor Dignity over Sanity any day. To me, Dignity represents walking away from a situation knowing that what you represent is more than what the other person can give you. Sanity underlines the measure of insanity you can experience before you need to placate yourself with a drug.. My addiction to the past has led me to this post, because of the challenge of dignity versus sanity, I stand here today puzzled by the mix of emotions that the past, ill-left behind and never resurrected, plays in my life as a whole. My friends and family would say “leave it behind, leave them behind”
Time heals all but why can’t it heal the complexity of this issue-when had we decided as humans to truly stop caring about one another and leave those remnants of our previous encounters, challenges, experiences, and escapades behind. Are we so sick as to never look back? Maintain your Dignity and move on because you are worth more than the situation can afford you, muscle in the pride and take a step forward instead of a step back into a new, righteous of life..that is fucking Dignity.
I can be insane-like a new fix i can be insane for you..i can be insane for you too, i can be crazy..text you and want you to want me but..
alas. i don’t care any more because you found the girl that makes you skip, that sets that smile in the morning and kisses those lips in the evening.
alas. you’ve found a great journey and only dignity and time can tell. I hold my sanity in my hand and thank the god’s that I can leave and never return. It doesn’t pain it me it makes me realize how glorious life can treat you and give you a moment and time when you experienced somebody or something beautiful.. but nothing lasts forever and we must accept..i have to accept and i am accepting.
that it’s time to let go of all the complexity’s that made letting go so insanely hard.
I have guided my heart into a brighter dawn.