WhAT I BeLiEVe


Whats puzzling is that I don’t advise anybody to pull down the final curtain on any idea or belief they may have. What’s the use in saying something won’t happen if you haven’t even tried it. So when I’m asked if I believe something is going to last, I say “I pray it does” because even though I know that the fate of whatever object, subject, instance or relationship might be bad, it doesn’t make it ok to call out something that hasn’t proven itself..

I believe in free choice and the bloom of something you work for might come to light..just might if you try.
It’s all about what you want out of life.

Fuck spirituality.

Everybody over rates it. i looked up the meaning of spirituality the other day and I couldn’t believe how vague it was. a place in which one feels a profound sense of belonging Guess what? I don’t want to be obi-wan-ka-no-B. I want to be dramasque. I wake up in the morning forcing myself not to think that the expected might not come true because I am giving myself a chance to move without paying attention to the irritating banners on my forehead.

People will tell you you can’t make it, they will tell you YOU WON’T MAKE IT and they will even tell you YOU ARE CRAZY, YOU HAVE A LOOSE GRIP ON REALITY, YOU NEED TO GROW UP THEN YOU WILL LEARN.

no, the world knows the same thing, just different authors wrote it for each of us. I believe in going forward for the one thing that makes sense to you.
I LOVE THEATREnobody will stop me or pull down the curtains.

Fuck spirituality..big word, lots of vowels but not a whole lot of meat when it comes to reality. My reality is believing I can do what I want, and doing it.

Tease


I just had coffee with M and Melissa, the usual-a light,hearty talk after a class we all attended,First year experience.

This particular tuesday was significant because we had all just come back from spring break and the topic of conversation was “how are you’s..what did you do’s..and details, details, details..”. Very exciting stuff. I told Melissa that last night I had gone out of campus with Mike and her initial reaction was happy, excited and thrilled for me. After I explained how serious and intense our night was I proceeded to ask her about her night, she began to tell me that she did not have plans but today she was going to meet Rob for dinner.

I smiled madly, and recalled our previous conversation. Melissa and Rob have been friends for quite some time, reasons why she did not want to get into a relationship were beyond me!I questioned her and M, as usual, sat there smoking his “water-filled mixed with nicotine plastic cigarette” and called it what it was.

I felt the pressure build up on Melissa’s expression, she retaliated with “why should i’s..?i just wanna be friends!”.I could see that self-same me in her. Willing but unwilling. M blinked twice and behind drowsy eyes he told us both that Melissa was a tease, likes to get attention from men, likes the recognition that she can get any man she wants, whoever she wants etc.. but never wants to get too serious lest she looses that organization in her life.

“Oh, the makers of perfection,damned you”, I thought. What a tragedy it must be for a person like Melissa to be so organized, so smart, so perfect..that her very being does not allow her to accept anything less than perfect. and so were judged from a distance like objects in a porcelain china glass vase. never to be touched…just attracting flies and killing them with the whip of our rejections.

M complained too, he made a mess of it and said Melissa needs to get fucked. He, too, said that he would hit on Melissa if he wasn’t dating his girlfriend, and not just her, but every other girl.I turned to my druggie friend and said “you’re sick” But he simply continued to explain how I was completely right before, no guy in his right hetro-sexual mind would just “only” be with friends with his hetro-sexual female friend when they are getting closer by the second.

Teases..I thought. Melissa is generally a nice person,I like her, she’s got spunk and lots of good things going for her. But at one point in time it hit me that I am so much as my thoughts want me to be, you impose control over your body and tell yourself where the boundaries lie. The typical standard of dating and all is an allusion to what we really want. Melissa wants a relationship, she is bound by her devotion to her academics and life goals. Yet, her thoughts allow her some leaway because she figures that’s her little bit of fun with guys heads(having them fall for her then feeding on their lost will and misplaced empowerment) defenseless?pah!all because of her!

Teases need not be judged but tended to, perfection isn’t managed but cured into something realistic. It is not realistic for the person to build castles in the sky, and never distinguish between genuine feelings and lustful ones, treating them as one is dangerous. My friends and I are trapped in ourpre-judgments of what the perfect mate should be like…

“as long as you are happy”

Statement of the year-because-it is true. I will never be happy searching for breaking hearts, i will be happy searching for a heart that beats at the same rate and blink as mine does.

M suggested sex as a means of breaking those assumptions that bound us to our tacky games, I like his methodology. Yes, I’M NOT SAYING GO OUT THERE AND HAVE SEX WITH EVERY SINGLE OPPOSITE SEX PERSON JUST BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE A TEASE. I am simply stating, break out a little and love a little, allow yourself to open up to the possibilities(however crazy) of experiencing the mad illogical pleasures of a sexual relationship.

Are you a tease? And what are you going to do about it?

I don’t rise, I kill


I basically can’t understand this society,
This democracy is killing me,
This mentality is burning me,
To the ground, I seek mercy,
To the air,I seek fortune,
To my mouth, I seek closure,
But I got none.

I basically can’t understand this society,
Why these niggaz keep on playn me,
Why this the only fucking story,
I cant tell, I can think,
I wish I could, but I’m on the brink,
Or breaking, oh the link,
But I got none,

I basically can’t stand this society,
I’m tryna walk in the sludge,
I’m thinking, what the fudge?!
Can I do this, is this me,
Mama said it be killing me,
I can’t take it, can’t you all see,
But you guys made it, how about me?
But there is none

I can’t understand how you can arise,
I don’t want to think that nobody can despise,
Looking through the future, I see what lies,
A destiny of soldiers, looking for some ties,
I beg to differ,
But there is none.
And I am done.
Tryna have fun.
Fuck this

I-Love-The-Earth-Seminar


Don’t think about yesterday’s old news and the party you had where you threw up all over your girlfriend’s new dress. Think about today and what it hold’s.

I may not be an advocate of love and complete hapiness but I know a thing or two about God’s gifts. The mere fact that were lieing in bed, looking out of the windows and observing the dark green freckles on a grevillea tree and the baby blue radiated colour from the Sun’s electromagnetic waves on the sky, tells us that we are fortunate to be on Earth. I drink a hot cup of chocolate every morning, sit in the kitchen and wonder ” where did this day go”. A day has 24 hours and 6 of those precious hours are spent on the rise and setting of the sun.

Sometimes the human race takes for granted the equatorial or mediterannean climate that is part of our earth. We take for granted the soil we step on, or the food we eat. I notice because I recognize that we are the most fortunate species. Were not only put on earth for the productive, sharing and caring objectives that God lays out for us. Were put on earth so that we can preserve the gifts of nature that come with it.

I dare you to wake up and smile and look out of the window to mezmerise at the beauty of the day that life holds for us. There is no sun in coffins, nor is there fresh drizzles of rain upon your cheek in deserts. We experience different things when we come in contact with nature. Mine is the hope of a new day and the foreshadowement of greater things to come. Sometimes it dictates how well I spend my day but the true value and meaning behind the weather, the trees, the smell and sight of earth’s gifts is that they exist to compliment and surround humanity.

I can’t force you to think this way because some people enjoy burning and destroying and shitting on what God has given us. But I dare you to recognize that there is life in earth and it is there to serve these purposes. We are not alone, we are given hope by the natural things that come to life around us.

I hate white people


I’m seated at the Big bank with my head in between my legs trying to breath. My stomach is also in dire need of some nutrition and keeps grumbling at one rev per min. I think i’m about to cry/scream..This is a dark period.

When i was 12years old I was accepted in to a Youth Leadership program called the YLI and we all had to get LoO visas if we wanted to go to the LoO. One week before my official interview Vatti stormed up and got major angry because i forged a note in school, got caught and he decided I was no longer going to go to LoO because of what I’d done. It was over, YLI, LoO, my oppurtunity to show what i was really made of. Mutti and my brother decided that wasn’t going to fly, they fought hard to keep me going but Vatti was major upset and denied all of us a summer vacation cause of my irresponsble act.

We went behind Vatti’s back and stiil applied for the LoO visa, hopefully if we got it Vatti wouldn’t be upset and he’d end up allowing me to go. Now the LoO rejected me because Vatti’s political affairs got inthe way of me going. Destroyed my interview completely. I was the only kid out of 12 to be rejected. Imagine how I felt: first of all Vatti never allowed me to apply for the visa in the first place, then secondly i still got rejected. I was crushed and Mutti broke down that same day. I still remember that visa counsellor guy going ‘no, ur mums name doesnt coincide with ur dads story. Ur stories also not adding up,ur not qualified for this visa.Try next time’Big fat stamp on my passport saying CANCELLED WITHOUT PREJUDICE. Fuck them.

So, this morning I went with Mutti to the LoO embassy and they took us around in circled. Go here,go there, as if we were play things. As if they deliberately wanted me not to get to The University Within.

We finally entered 20min later, and in the same thing hapenned…

I’m seated at another bank with my head between my legs, frustrated as heck. Wtf!is Mutti???!shes supposed to be back with the cash in IoC currency! I’m frustrated. I knew it, when that lady started asking for me to submit electronic forms and a reciept of payment, i knew we’d missed a beat. I knew that it was hapenning all over again. The doctot was so generous hooking us up with an early appointment at the embassy but this lady!she was so mean ‘dont use my official name!where are the forms?!you are wasting precious time by making things difficult for us’

Murder, and she was black, i wanted to kill her. As i waited for my turn at the desk inside the embassy alone i saw that guy that rejected me last time. Long head, broad shoulders, glasses, geeky, angry, piece of shit. So the lady continued talking to me and lecturing me, i felt like i was floating again. Certain questions spinning through my mind, the main one being: why am i even going through this?!

Lady didnt even look at the rest of my details. And now i’m here, waiting for Mutti to come and pay this stupid fee. Go home and do the form. And come back on thursday for another racist episode of ‘world hates me’. If i was really meant to shine, God is’nt making it easy.