Bro’s & Hoe’s


Little did the women in my life know that what we wanted wasn’t a man who stayed but a man who stayed with the intent of making both my life and his life better. We always fall in the same rabbit hole that we think is “cliche” to fall in to.

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My friend IsAwesome, long time pessimist extraordinaire and oldest of all my girlfriends on campus recently broke up with a guy she’s been in a relationship with for 3 years! This is not to say they didn’t enjoy each other’s company in the time that they were together but they definitely was a tension between them. We searched the fucker up and pieced up all we knew about him and concluded that…he was a bro without the bro-ness.

 

Last week I ushered a show where i had my own intense encounter with this kind of the male species. The bro’s piled in to the auditiorium in anticipation of the greatest electroique concert there ever was at the Univeristy Within and what with the hype they also flirted, did the bro-ski handshake, and showed of their slightly irritating bro bodies. No kidding, these guys are trying to be huge but their not. You know what they say big ego…small package.

 

All I know is trying to forget this one guy that came into my life has probably been the hardest experience for me these passed couple of months, who knew he was a bro too.

 

and so the bro-hood continues and it’s army of slightly annoying individuals continues to fuel what we know today as.. America. Sports, beer and a brohandshake later, I feel a lot more like the stereotypical American “bro” would. And I’m not even a dude. My friend and many other women in this country failt o see that this isn’t the kid of man that looks forward but looks outward at what he sees. If he sees a 6-pack of beers and ESPN that’s where his legs are taking him! My mind is boggled by the idea that IsAwesome (big Accounting fiesty mamasita)..myself (business-minded knit-wit) can get attracted to that kind of man.. but that’s because those outward experiences are manifested in our heads and transformed from being a plain, simple minded goofball to a straightforward,candid man.

 

Big difference – that’s like calling an onion a potato..they may look the same from a far (altered by your self perception) but they are completely different.

 

I’ve been through this before and realize that bro’s belong with hoe’s. Plain and simple. as simple minded as a bro’s bro would be. If he can’t see passed two-three months down the line with you, or share the same belief that the connection you have (a friendship, a network, a small conversation or a sexual relationship) is real and here to stay then don’t make it stay. Hoe’s don’t think that much, hoe’s don’t ask for much, hoe’s don’t expect much so we should never stoop to their level of embodiment.  

 

I am reminded everyday how the expectations of others and for ourselves matter a great deal in who we associate with. These bro’s are not bad seeds, their bad seeds for the future we want to create for ourselves. 

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Lithium


My brain drives at the possibilities of what was my drug, and what is now the sole fruit of my motivation. It’s not love…it never was.

I begin to not comprehend where I am, I am drowning in this drug of life..this drug that has become my home..

Injected in to my heart, like satan in a little child, I begin to reprimand what I would do if I lost balance,

Torn away from the sole heir of my psychological balance, the plasma that constructed my imagination,

I frightens me and eyes wild as two hares in a headlight, I begin to see the death of my little imagination, my little world dropping,

The bewilderment, the horror!!!the ATROCITY!! how dare thee?!!
DAMN THEE!!DAMN U!!!DAMN DAMN DAMNNNNITTT!!!!!DON’t let go off me..

don’t let go off me..

hold me…. drug me…

I contemplate craziness as a new opportunity and my sole objective is light the stage and show them how crazy I can be,

The money will flow and the candles will light brighter than ever before, my drug will sit and stare at me,

…with motherly eyes knowing full well that it made me what I am today,

I shall not bow my head nor let go off the GO, the breaking point is only defined by what you make of it,

A pinch of salt there, a sip of my drug here and there is no end, but many beginnings, and many more moments of pleasure,

I endure… I endure to tell you that I am non-accepting of this facsimile farce of society, they are fake and I will make,

A lifelong decision to stick to what I know, drug of mine don’t let me go, let me shine…


Don’t falter because I know you want to!damnnit!!DAMN!!DAMNNNN U!!!I thought we were in this together??!

together forever?…

don’t let me fall…?

Sobriety is a powerful thing and I wish to ALL the gods in this lifetime, grant me this wish of sobriety,

Prosperity and never jealousy, but simplicity of life comes with sobriety,

This drug doesn’t let me fall, you will not let go, let me be my own person and I will join you in another lifetime,

But sobriety, oh sobriety escapes my soul and is frightened as I am…I am frightened of another life outside my drug,

Maintain your eloquence oh, ye, naive dumplings and never shadow your belligerence,

Remain calm and walk in the moonlight of wish and hope, drugs will calm you but destroy, ye innocent souls,

Smash those angry belligerent thoughts and kill your motives, the true motives are never under duress..

Dress those souls in white and walk in the virginal bathtub of heaven, let angels wash your body with l’oil…and le vin.

Catch the drops as they fall from your eyes to the floor, drugs of ours are never pleasures of yours,

Save yourselves..

Damnnit!!!SAVE ME!!DAMN!DAMN!!!!!!!DAMNNNNNNN!ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Save me…
Save me….

Save me before i kil…ki…..kill

Drug, sweet drug, lets cuddle and be the best of friends, because even though I cannot identify the main root of my motivation,

I know that I can be a fly on the wall, a butterfly in a paradise and it’s made possible under the influence,

The simplest invisible hand in my life makes it possible for me to fly up high and not sink down low,

The spirit of my existence has a best friend,

I’m happy because it makes me comprehend that my place is not seated but standing and running full speed ahead to where I want to go,

We all need drugs, I don’t know where I dropped the pill-box in my life,
Ir-removed from my present state of thinking I think beyond what I see,

Will you join me?

AnGer



The feeling makes me want to shake,
I’m losing – my brakes,
Dont make me think about the consequences,
Just placate – placate me
Now

Can’t really understand you now
Dont cry – just leave me
I hate you and I hate everything about you now,
Dont know – what the deal is
Im down
<
Look in the mirror can't stop the girl,
Spinning in – her own world
Anger boiling and thats the fucking problem with,
The world – today
Now

I don’t want to argue with you now
Smash – your teeth in
Anger sizzling I can’t hear a sound because you’re,
Muscling – In
I’m down

Just wanna store the bodies in the ground and shhhhhh…
Shut – up
I don’t miss you, I don’t love you, don’t wanna hear a sound
Shut – up
Now

The darkness calls, its mine forever don’t tear me away,
Rip – your heart out
I don’t really care what those people say,
Don’t care – about povert – y
I’m down

Anger


There’s something definately wrong with me and in so many ways more than one, it shows. How can I hide my anger? How can I hide my sadness? When my thoughts haunt me 24.7 and fill my heart with complete and utter disgust??

These are black thoughts from my black rotting heart. I thought I could escape them by feeding of other people’s hapiness, preying on their lives and observing their laughter from close range. This one thing keeps etching its way in to my life and eating me up inside, bringing out the worst in me from tiome to time. It’s a release of negative energy developed over 18 years of confinement: sexual, physical, emotional, mental, pyschological: Anger

I hate people, I’m starting to hate the world and sooner or later, I’m going to hate myself. Yesterday I went to church with Mutti and she didn’t want to say the sign of peace with me, she never does. And in that moment I wanted to scream and kill her. But I’m ok with it, I told myself, I;m ok with her being a bitch. I know she only thinks of herself and I’m cool with that. Even at the party for my goddaughter she thought of herself by telling everybody before I even got a word in that I’m leaving on the 2nd week of January for the University Within. What bullshit…what pur bullshit.

Yesterday I couldn’t handle Mutti’s conniving manner. I stepped out of God’s House and cried, for no apparent reason feelings of hate, screaming inside me were just escaping through my tears. wtf….am i mad. It was so hard to stop myself, but I did. I got back in there and pretended that things are never that serious, even though at the bottom of my stomach I know they are. I don’t care for meagre issues like poverty and destruction. What about the poverty of ones soul?

This deep feeling in my gut gets worse everyday. I want to run away but I need to go to the University Within, it kills me that when I wanted to run away when I was 14 years old, my friends stopped me, convincing me that it wasnever gonna help me out. I remember TJ talking me out of it. They said “dramasque, stop being a dramaqueen and deal with it”

I have to keep it together because I feel like people are too simplistic to understand what kind of anger broils inside me. I’ve managed to inahbit the worst out of Vatti’s nature, thinking like everybody owes me because I try and give my best in a relationship. All i can say, is I’m sorry for my anger. I want this choking feeling to end. I want to breathe the air that you breathe and feel the life that you feel but my conscience is built in with only one motive.” FUCK EVERYBODY”. I care for people but then again I want to stop. I hold my head in my hands and scream like the deprived child, the starving child, tha abused child.

I feel anger

From All Good Things BaD tHings Stem


Like a flower attracts ugly,horrid bees. Is the same thing when it comes to my theory.
From all good things, bad things stem
I don’t want to be saddistic or anything but true to the fact, most people can’t help how they do things, what they say and how they think. Love, as i said, is not constant.It changes like our beings, ourselves and we become mirror images of what we never wanted. From love, stems jealousy, betrayel,lust and even,hate.
The world is spinning, thr orb is lingering, the feelings are NOT timeless.

Even education, where one person takes smarts to be an achievment of the highest value others say it could bring about overambition,overconfidence, vanity, boredom and possibly a life full of self-detest. I’m not trying to make you cry, I’m trying to make you realize how important absolution is.
If everything was absolute then there would be no need whatsoever to complain because there would be assurance and certainty over what we believe to be true and what we want to be true. Absolution is neccassary. But we don’t get that and neither do we get that the same girl/guy falling in love with us one day or fucking us cause their our lovers is actually a changing moment.

Socialism, how often do we see our friends come and go because their friendship became a sour betrayel, a painful lust, a daunting love, a fake promise, a distant past…I deleted my friends of facebook, at least most of them, the ones I kenw I wasn’t going to move forward with because it had reached a point where I kenw this friendship was past its due date, and any more perseverance or determination on my part would lead to a bad thing. Steve and I…bad thing. The fine line between being a confidant and being a lover grew so thin I couldn’t even see it. Now, when I talk to him on the phone, all I feel are his words piercing my back and the sadness that our friendship became a relationship in just a mere two months.

From all good things, bad things stem. Success becomes failure. Genious becomes madness. Hapiness becomes sadness. Hugs become punches. Marraige becomes murder. Food becomes leftovers. Alcohol becomes addiction. Sex becomes tiring….
the list is endless.
absolution…remains absolution. How do we gain that?