KEEP HIM


You can have your bitch I don’t need him,
i don’t need him like i didn’t need last weeks news,
I DONT NEED HIM cause i BE ON THIS WEEKS views,
and todays the day that ima put my mind to,
no disrespect to you I dont need your boo,
he was my dude his now yours too,
isnt that what his saying, that his “yours for you”?
I don’t care, keep your bitch and let me live my life,
i see those pictures that he puts says that your his wife,
bull-sh*, if i know anything his yours for 5 weeks,
then its hard times and rough times,
And i aint even wikileaks,
Im just telling u what it be,
and its the reality,
but dont let me warn you cause you’ll find out for yourself,
you’ve wanted him so long so here he is and good health,
good health to you Miss. KEYSHA,
good health to you his a keeper,
dont u ever,
re-consider,
good health to you,
you can have your bitch i don’t need him,
by this point I’ve decieved him into thinking that I need him,
and his probably wond-ering why I don’t call or friggin text him,
let alone the bias that,
that Im the girl he put on that,
i am the girl he thought he made his bitch,
now your his bitch, n his a snitch, such a liar such a trick,
enjoy what he gives you..
its half the price he gave me,
he gives discounts now and don’t let him tell you,
suck dick and get fucked for twice free,
his all yours,
toad for toad,
take the jewelry,
you are owed
but enjoy it while it lasts, his your bitch.

I don’t rise, I kill


I basically can’t understand this society,
This democracy is killing me,
This mentality is burning me,
To the ground, I seek mercy,
To the air,I seek fortune,
To my mouth, I seek closure,
But I got none.

I basically can’t understand this society,
Why these niggaz keep on playn me,
Why this the only fucking story,
I cant tell, I can think,
I wish I could, but I’m on the brink,
Or breaking, oh the link,
But I got none,

I basically can’t stand this society,
I’m tryna walk in the sludge,
I’m thinking, what the fudge?!
Can I do this, is this me,
Mama said it be killing me,
I can’t take it, can’t you all see,
But you guys made it, how about me?
But there is none

I can’t understand how you can arise,
I don’t want to think that nobody can despise,
Looking through the future, I see what lies,
A destiny of soldiers, looking for some ties,
I beg to differ,
But there is none.
And I am done.
Tryna have fun.
Fuck this

I hate white people


I’m seated at the Big bank with my head in between my legs trying to breath. My stomach is also in dire need of some nutrition and keeps grumbling at one rev per min. I think i’m about to cry/scream..This is a dark period.

When i was 12years old I was accepted in to a Youth Leadership program called the YLI and we all had to get LoO visas if we wanted to go to the LoO. One week before my official interview Vatti stormed up and got major angry because i forged a note in school, got caught and he decided I was no longer going to go to LoO because of what I’d done. It was over, YLI, LoO, my oppurtunity to show what i was really made of. Mutti and my brother decided that wasn’t going to fly, they fought hard to keep me going but Vatti was major upset and denied all of us a summer vacation cause of my irresponsble act.

We went behind Vatti’s back and stiil applied for the LoO visa, hopefully if we got it Vatti wouldn’t be upset and he’d end up allowing me to go. Now the LoO rejected me because Vatti’s political affairs got inthe way of me going. Destroyed my interview completely. I was the only kid out of 12 to be rejected. Imagine how I felt: first of all Vatti never allowed me to apply for the visa in the first place, then secondly i still got rejected. I was crushed and Mutti broke down that same day. I still remember that visa counsellor guy going ‘no, ur mums name doesnt coincide with ur dads story. Ur stories also not adding up,ur not qualified for this visa.Try next time’Big fat stamp on my passport saying CANCELLED WITHOUT PREJUDICE. Fuck them.

So, this morning I went with Mutti to the LoO embassy and they took us around in circled. Go here,go there, as if we were play things. As if they deliberately wanted me not to get to The University Within.

We finally entered 20min later, and in the same thing hapenned…

I’m seated at another bank with my head between my legs, frustrated as heck. Wtf!is Mutti???!shes supposed to be back with the cash in IoC currency! I’m frustrated. I knew it, when that lady started asking for me to submit electronic forms and a reciept of payment, i knew we’d missed a beat. I knew that it was hapenning all over again. The doctot was so generous hooking us up with an early appointment at the embassy but this lady!she was so mean ‘dont use my official name!where are the forms?!you are wasting precious time by making things difficult for us’

Murder, and she was black, i wanted to kill her. As i waited for my turn at the desk inside the embassy alone i saw that guy that rejected me last time. Long head, broad shoulders, glasses, geeky, angry, piece of shit. So the lady continued talking to me and lecturing me, i felt like i was floating again. Certain questions spinning through my mind, the main one being: why am i even going through this?!

Lady didnt even look at the rest of my details. And now i’m here, waiting for Mutti to come and pay this stupid fee. Go home and do the form. And come back on thursday for another racist episode of ‘world hates me’. If i was really meant to shine, God is’nt making it easy.

AnGer



The feeling makes me want to shake,
I’m losing – my brakes,
Dont make me think about the consequences,
Just placate – placate me
Now

Can’t really understand you now
Dont cry – just leave me
I hate you and I hate everything about you now,
Dont know – what the deal is
Im down
<
Look in the mirror can't stop the girl,
Spinning in – her own world
Anger boiling and thats the fucking problem with,
The world – today
Now

I don’t want to argue with you now
Smash – your teeth in
Anger sizzling I can’t hear a sound because you’re,
Muscling – In
I’m down

Just wanna store the bodies in the ground and shhhhhh…
Shut – up
I don’t miss you, I don’t love you, don’t wanna hear a sound
Shut – up
Now

The darkness calls, its mine forever don’t tear me away,
Rip – your heart out
I don’t really care what those people say,
Don’t care – about povert – y
I’m down

Anger


There’s something definately wrong with me and in so many ways more than one, it shows. How can I hide my anger? How can I hide my sadness? When my thoughts haunt me 24.7 and fill my heart with complete and utter disgust??

These are black thoughts from my black rotting heart. I thought I could escape them by feeding of other people’s hapiness, preying on their lives and observing their laughter from close range. This one thing keeps etching its way in to my life and eating me up inside, bringing out the worst in me from tiome to time. It’s a release of negative energy developed over 18 years of confinement: sexual, physical, emotional, mental, pyschological: Anger

I hate people, I’m starting to hate the world and sooner or later, I’m going to hate myself. Yesterday I went to church with Mutti and she didn’t want to say the sign of peace with me, she never does. And in that moment I wanted to scream and kill her. But I’m ok with it, I told myself, I;m ok with her being a bitch. I know she only thinks of herself and I’m cool with that. Even at the party for my goddaughter she thought of herself by telling everybody before I even got a word in that I’m leaving on the 2nd week of January for the University Within. What bullshit…what pur bullshit.

Yesterday I couldn’t handle Mutti’s conniving manner. I stepped out of God’s House and cried, for no apparent reason feelings of hate, screaming inside me were just escaping through my tears. wtf….am i mad. It was so hard to stop myself, but I did. I got back in there and pretended that things are never that serious, even though at the bottom of my stomach I know they are. I don’t care for meagre issues like poverty and destruction. What about the poverty of ones soul?

This deep feeling in my gut gets worse everyday. I want to run away but I need to go to the University Within, it kills me that when I wanted to run away when I was 14 years old, my friends stopped me, convincing me that it wasnever gonna help me out. I remember TJ talking me out of it. They said “dramasque, stop being a dramaqueen and deal with it”

I have to keep it together because I feel like people are too simplistic to understand what kind of anger broils inside me. I’ve managed to inahbit the worst out of Vatti’s nature, thinking like everybody owes me because I try and give my best in a relationship. All i can say, is I’m sorry for my anger. I want this choking feeling to end. I want to breathe the air that you breathe and feel the life that you feel but my conscience is built in with only one motive.” FUCK EVERYBODY”. I care for people but then again I want to stop. I hold my head in my hands and scream like the deprived child, the starving child, tha abused child.

I feel anger