Poetic bluntness


I thought I could seduce him,
I need to seduce him,
For reusing him,
Has become a compulsion in him,
To be what I thinkin’
To be what i’z be doin,
To be what I want from him,
It worked for two,
It worked for who,
Had set forth on that pussy train and blanked,

Now Im lost,
Lovin what I don’t have,
That’s just the way it is..
Things will never be the same,

Tupac,
Tipsy,
To lazy to care

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Finally falling


It’s the hardest thing thinking about what if. Everyday, I want to kick myself in the foot and say why did we let each other go. Some people are better off apart it allows them time to grow.

Mike and I have been having a hard time ever since he left and came back from South America. I didn’t know it then but I certainly know it now: it’s not our time and I wish it was. Making a commitment to be with someone for the long run is such a progressional thing. One that involves time and a promise leading in to bigger things to come. We both felt the same way about breaking off.. After over 2 years of dating.

I’m not shocked, I’m sad because the world is designed in a way that pushes people to move or be moved by the forces of nature. Consistency was never a pattern of life. I blamed it on my ill fortune that I ended up with a guy who had graduated and is now long distance with me.. Same goes for other men who I’ve had relationships with.

And when it comes to this guy I had met 6 months ago, his names Weeman, I get confused about who I have feelings for. Weeman triggers excitement in my world and wants to have fun.. I had that fun. There’s quiet solitude in my head because I acknowledge he is just like other “bro’s” who want sex.

We can’t alter or change how a person acts. The need to place effort kn our characters and actions only comes with true motivation. This is prompted by inspiration or love of another person. Weeman has no love for me, maybe for his ex.. I can’t change a “bro”.. You can’t change a “hoe” and why would I need to when I’m so exhausted by relationships at this point. Mike changed for me.. He was there through and through because I offered him that inspiration.

It’s a common mistake to want life to just pause., I move forward feeling single.. More mature than ever before.. A fast track to independence. I thought my journey was alone now I feel more alone than ever before..

Missing mike. But knowing that he’ll need to go down his path alone and so will I

Italian New York’n Accent’s


 

“After my session, she came over
I was aggressive, and she was sober
I gave her pills
She started confessing and started undressing
And ask me to hold her
And so I did, but that was last month
And now she’s texting me, asking for closure
Damn”- Weezy aka Lil Wayne ft. Drake – HYFR

I feel like Weezy spoke it loud and clear when he said those lines. I don’t actually need a guy like that in my life but seem to be attracted to that type all the time. This statement reminds me about how bad, ruthless, and wrong it is to want something so wrong for myself. I’ve lived a life of limits and continue to limit my needs because hell, we all can’t get what we want right?

ImageI keep thinking about him and my mind goes into overdrive as I think about those Italian New York’n accent’s that drive me insane, wind my brain out and warm me up then down. I think their seductive and indelectible, why? I don’t know. Say canoli next to me and I’ll go crazy. I feel like I’m floating up to the moon.. and when I think of him, those thoughts never leave my mind.

 

How can I escape it? How can I escape the douche bag guy I’m attracted to? I do nothing but wander off in my mind until something or rather, someone better comes along. Mike has been gone for 5 months and I am STARVED of affection. You wanna talk about running dry? I’m running low on every semblance of seduction, sexual addicition you can think of.. the one thing that lifts my spirits is hearing those accents, thinking about them.. it gives me hope of the douchebag guy that in my mind..is a manifestation of a strong, bad ass of a man. WHY? I have no fucking idea.

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You ever find yourself needing something thats so bad for you? Like a drug, like cocaine?

Maybe I should start taking cocaine.. that makes people forget the pain, the hunger, the lust..it just numbs up the whole fucking house as a whole. My head’s spinning cause crazy thought of the day is..maybe I should be with someone who has an italian, new york’n accent.. someone who reminds me of the large city lights – bright glare of the deli signs – taxi horns – walking fast – pizza – tough exterior that is never broken down by anything.. 

 

I am against all odds in this game of relationships and suddenly I feel lost. I love Mike, I need him to come back so I don’t need to NEED New York nor the flashing lights nor the Italian fever boiling up within me.. I need someone to take the fantasy away and make a fantasy with me IN IT. My head’s spinning again.. how long is this going to go on for?

 

 

Bro’s & Hoe’s


Little did the women in my life know that what we wanted wasn’t a man who stayed but a man who stayed with the intent of making both my life and his life better. We always fall in the same rabbit hole that we think is “cliche” to fall in to.

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My friend IsAwesome, long time pessimist extraordinaire and oldest of all my girlfriends on campus recently broke up with a guy she’s been in a relationship with for 3 years! This is not to say they didn’t enjoy each other’s company in the time that they were together but they definitely was a tension between them. We searched the fucker up and pieced up all we knew about him and concluded that…he was a bro without the bro-ness.

 

Last week I ushered a show where i had my own intense encounter with this kind of the male species. The bro’s piled in to the auditiorium in anticipation of the greatest electroique concert there ever was at the Univeristy Within and what with the hype they also flirted, did the bro-ski handshake, and showed of their slightly irritating bro bodies. No kidding, these guys are trying to be huge but their not. You know what they say big ego…small package.

 

All I know is trying to forget this one guy that came into my life has probably been the hardest experience for me these passed couple of months, who knew he was a bro too.

 

and so the bro-hood continues and it’s army of slightly annoying individuals continues to fuel what we know today as.. America. Sports, beer and a brohandshake later, I feel a lot more like the stereotypical American “bro” would. And I’m not even a dude. My friend and many other women in this country failt o see that this isn’t the kid of man that looks forward but looks outward at what he sees. If he sees a 6-pack of beers and ESPN that’s where his legs are taking him! My mind is boggled by the idea that IsAwesome (big Accounting fiesty mamasita)..myself (business-minded knit-wit) can get attracted to that kind of man.. but that’s because those outward experiences are manifested in our heads and transformed from being a plain, simple minded goofball to a straightforward,candid man.

 

Big difference – that’s like calling an onion a potato..they may look the same from a far (altered by your self perception) but they are completely different.

 

I’ve been through this before and realize that bro’s belong with hoe’s. Plain and simple. as simple minded as a bro’s bro would be. If he can’t see passed two-three months down the line with you, or share the same belief that the connection you have (a friendship, a network, a small conversation or a sexual relationship) is real and here to stay then don’t make it stay. Hoe’s don’t think that much, hoe’s don’t ask for much, hoe’s don’t expect much so we should never stoop to their level of embodiment.  

 

I am reminded everyday how the expectations of others and for ourselves matter a great deal in who we associate with. These bro’s are not bad seeds, their bad seeds for the future we want to create for ourselves. 

Swiftly moving on


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A lot of people ask me “dramasque why don’t you just leave all the shitty bitty bits behind and start focussing on the real you, who you are and what’s making up the girl, the image and the story” I tell them it’s not about who I am but what makes me who I am and everyday I learn that those very things could destroy me too.

Moving on swiftly I start to realize that this people were right, no one person can go through life not hurting people. It is our duty as human beings of the world at large to hurt or be hurt by other people! We are our own keepers and putting trust in our friends or family is probably the most idiotic notion we can live by because everyday we make choices and those choices leave behind alternatives and one day, who knows, you might be an alternative.

I aim to please only myself this year. Last night I did the most liberating thing I thought I needed to do. I touched myself countless times, I passed my hand from my inner thigh all the way up to my belly and later on to my breasts and I touched myself. Granted, it wasn’t as great or succumbing as a man’s trick over you but then again, it was me and I had control over my own happiness. I trusted myself through and through and I knew that as much as I needed other people in my life I had the ability to block out the world and be happy, in this life, by myself.

So moving on swiftly, after all the pleasure washes away the pain I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe, my number one forte in life is justifying why things are the way they are and being there for people was just the practice I needed. I love to research and think and conceptualizer my thoughts I might start writing my own book. And god damn it will be a good one

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