A fOOls eXistence


Wish me happy birthday on July 2nd 1992. I finally turn 21.

I’m on the receiving end of my own disaster. I created this monster of a life. How can I bare to go through this moment thinking, possibly wondering, why it’s not working out for me.

I feel dreary.. Like every second I live through this I am pained by the existence of non existence.. The price of not having a price to pay.. The moments where I have no moments to experience. The near emptiness of my being.

I deceived myself into thinking he would stay with me. I believed they would make amends. Come back, be friends. A bullshit fantasy only I could concoct and convey so that love could.. Exist. In the form I wanted it to.

So I embark on this wild, fantastic journey. A horoscope once read is now playing itself into existence and I let it because I fucked up my reality. So why not give the ethereal universe a shot at it. Blinded by these make believe hopes and dreams..more often than I’m supposed to I believe only one thing these days..that being I’m a fool

Fools ignore the reality that ups and downs do exist and plagiarize life into a Disney story. I’m being patient and hoping for the best.

Wish me happy birthday on July 2nd 1992. I finally turn 21. I finally reached my end goal. And all other subsequent goals merely fell out of place.

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Finally falling


It’s the hardest thing thinking about what if. Everyday, I want to kick myself in the foot and say why did we let each other go. Some people are better off apart it allows them time to grow.

Mike and I have been having a hard time ever since he left and came back from South America. I didn’t know it then but I certainly know it now: it’s not our time and I wish it was. Making a commitment to be with someone for the long run is such a progressional thing. One that involves time and a promise leading in to bigger things to come. We both felt the same way about breaking off.. After over 2 years of dating.

I’m not shocked, I’m sad because the world is designed in a way that pushes people to move or be moved by the forces of nature. Consistency was never a pattern of life. I blamed it on my ill fortune that I ended up with a guy who had graduated and is now long distance with me.. Same goes for other men who I’ve had relationships with.

And when it comes to this guy I had met 6 months ago, his names Weeman, I get confused about who I have feelings for. Weeman triggers excitement in my world and wants to have fun.. I had that fun. There’s quiet solitude in my head because I acknowledge he is just like other “bro’s” who want sex.

We can’t alter or change how a person acts. The need to place effort kn our characters and actions only comes with true motivation. This is prompted by inspiration or love of another person. Weeman has no love for me, maybe for his ex.. I can’t change a “bro”.. You can’t change a “hoe” and why would I need to when I’m so exhausted by relationships at this point. Mike changed for me.. He was there through and through because I offered him that inspiration.

It’s a common mistake to want life to just pause., I move forward feeling single.. More mature than ever before.. A fast track to independence. I thought my journey was alone now I feel more alone than ever before..

Missing mike. But knowing that he’ll need to go down his path alone and so will I

Swiftly moving on


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A lot of people ask me “dramasque why don’t you just leave all the shitty bitty bits behind and start focussing on the real you, who you are and what’s making up the girl, the image and the story” I tell them it’s not about who I am but what makes me who I am and everyday I learn that those very things could destroy me too.

Moving on swiftly I start to realize that this people were right, no one person can go through life not hurting people. It is our duty as human beings of the world at large to hurt or be hurt by other people! We are our own keepers and putting trust in our friends or family is probably the most idiotic notion we can live by because everyday we make choices and those choices leave behind alternatives and one day, who knows, you might be an alternative.

I aim to please only myself this year. Last night I did the most liberating thing I thought I needed to do. I touched myself countless times, I passed my hand from my inner thigh all the way up to my belly and later on to my breasts and I touched myself. Granted, it wasn’t as great or succumbing as a man’s trick over you but then again, it was me and I had control over my own happiness. I trusted myself through and through and I knew that as much as I needed other people in my life I had the ability to block out the world and be happy, in this life, by myself.

So moving on swiftly, after all the pleasure washes away the pain I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe, my number one forte in life is justifying why things are the way they are and being there for people was just the practice I needed. I love to research and think and conceptualizer my thoughts I might start writing my own book. And god damn it will be a good one

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Seduction 1-0-?


When I think of temptation- two words come to mind: bliss and freedom. Why? Because as much as the human mind hates to admit it submitting to temptation is the lack of saying no to your inner logic.

Over the past lets say… Semi- odd weeks I have been fighting my own temptations and the worst of its kind too! ! ! Seduction ladies and gentlemen. It’s not wrong it’s simply enjoyable, fruitful and fun but is it worth it? When you think of who & what actions led you to be seduced by another it all boils down to- was it god damn worth it?

I’m only 20 see, so don’t get it twisted. I’ve lived an eighth of life and I’m not about to say I know all the answers to this never ending story of suspense. What I will say however, is that worth comes in different fractions and indifferent ways. Depending on who you are. Now ladies, I am not gonna super impose myself on you and men, this isn’t an over generalization. This is what I expect.

I expect to not be a booty call even though I’m the one doing the booty calling. Haha! I want a man to understand that even though his getting my pussy it doesn’t give him the right to say “hasta la vista babe” me! That is just plain wrong. I’m not saying start getting married to me and my vagina but frankly speaking, please have the common decency to express some interest in me the morning after.

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And last but not least, if the guidelines of your pleasant hook up haven’t been stipulated and you still want to “figure” it out then please don’t let me be the only one hallarin at your ass the day after!

Girls.. They say we ask for too much but we don’t. I can’t be tempted by a guy who makes me feel as though I’m the only one whose interested in keeping our little conversations going. Ok, im attracted to you and enjoy ..hmmm.. whats the word flirting with you but please STOP using the “call me, maybe” line!! the days of being coy are OveR. say what you mean and do what you say!

I dont need a seducer Who shares close to a little enthusiasm in speaking to me compared to the extent of “how r you’s” and “how was it’s” and “good mornings” I’ve thrown around. So I quit the lying act.. Lying to myself that what I have with my temptation is more than just what it should be. Because it shouldn’t be that and I never wanted it to be. Oh but I did love the attention… I still do

 

Review of my 2011 Blog’s Stats! Thanks WordPress


The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 9,400 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.