Why do some moments never have the desired effect you wish for? like, I can only dream of doing it “big” on christmas day and partying hard. I’m stuck with family and it doesn’t enthral me the way it should.
So, I officially know I’m only going to hell for the bad deeds I have done and then some because in what world does a person pretend to enjoy Christmas dinner/lunch without feelin’ a slight bit of nausea. I’m not comfortable sitting next to old people anymore, I could stand them but my temperament has changed, I’m less able to hold myself together and put up a good face for anyone because I know I like to not-be-bothered by the earth’s woes and troubles. Let me be.. Let me be. I want to go on vacation and stay on vacation. I’m supposed to be on vacation and it doesn’t feel like it.
Let me elaborate. Christmas day was yesterday, yey! And as a result Mutti and Vatti sent me packing to the Land of the Queen so I could drink tea and eat crumpets with my English cousin,aunt, and uncle. My grandfather who is 78 almost knocking 95 seems to also live 45 min. away from them and so it’s appropriate to go and visit him too. Or at least include him in the festivities, poor thing. My eyes are glazed because on the flight to the LoQ I’m pressing an ice pack to my left eye which has swollen up due to the hard-hitting fall I got from slamming my face on the Snowy Ice last week during snowboarding with Mike. In what world do such Moments exist? So the eye was extremely huge, I won’t get in to it but the basics are that I fell getting of a chair lift in the LoO and hit my face on the ground as I was tripping over my board. I’m only just learning! Nowhere in my blog have I explicitly said “I am a professional snowboarder, my name is Nick..so-so-so”. Yeh, so shit happens..to my face.
It was supposed to be a romantic snowboarding week with Mike. And my last run was supposed to be fast paced, experienced, and heavenly. No..that ain’ happening.Black eye’s barely visible now.
ANYHOO! Back to what a disaster Moments can be – Mutti wrote me a text 2 weeks ago saying that my aunt hurt her back and oh! help her out. Little did I know, my aunts back was fine and as a matter of fact she was busy busying herself in the kitchen and doing all sorts of prepartion for Christmas. So I fuckin’ hate when people ask you to help out and won’t allow you to help out makin’ the reasons why your alive even more of an excuse to not be. I’m Dramasque I’m just explicetely saying it hurts, it really does hurt thinking that I could be of some help to my aunt, now I feel like a mooch – an ordinary guest in the house taking up the limited oxygen in the AR-EA code and cucumber-ing myself on the couch watching Garfield. My shining, delivering moment, yey! It’s the niece to the rescue she’s going to help out and save the day. Being effective is not my strong point. I believe it becomes my weak point when I am surpressed by others. My aunt ended up cooking, cleaning, and preparing Christmas Day with my uncle and her best friend and my cousin, I guess I was guest so I’m guessing guest will remain guest. FUCK. sO MUCH FOR HELPING OUT mUTTI
It’s like my week with Mike. Whoever said a relationship involves a woman masturbating by herself in the corner and enjoying the company of her broom and dishcloth??? I don’t think it was written in the bible and I definitely don’t think it was written in any other unauthorized scripture that relationships are a one person show. Mike and I were supposed to cohesively work together this week to tidy, cook, and mess up the house together everyday. All he did was clean the house himself BECAUSE “i didn’t know how to hold a broom”. I know I don’t know how to cook which makes my urge to want to cook even stronger since I want to make nice dishes for the man in my life. I’m getting my own place with a kitchen and all on campus next year but time sometimes..moves…extremely….slowly. Last week’s snowboarding experience was AMAZING (black eye and black eye aside) I really enjoyed it but the worst part of my one week romantic vacation with Mike is being demoralized for any housekeeping talents I ever had. Correction – non talents. So the man, sweeped the whole god-damn house himself (it’s his house anyway.. but I still wanted to help, it was only the two of us!! n I’m a woman).. I was only assigned to washing the dishes and washing the dishes. All the cooking, he did. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!! When will I ever be given the chance to show people what I can truly do. What team-work we enjoy in relationships.
You know I just feel so fucking ineffectual you know!? Everything is so unmomentful, unmemorable. Why do I feel like all the moments I expect to be graceful, happy, sort of successful times all turn to shit because for some reason the people around me want to make it into something I don’t like. And I’m trying to go with the flow, I really am. I know we like different things but this is just taking it to the extreme. I was never a team player. I think that’s what’s fucking me over.
Christmas was a fucking disaster. It’s gone from being plain awkward, unmomentful, to be going shitty, boring and full of old farts. My brother says the grandfather I have in the LoQ is my only living one but I truly believe he is also my only truly stubborn relative in the entire planet. Brunch was great, people were slightly friendly, but I can never truly mask the exhaustion I have had to go through from the time I woke up in the morning to the time I went ot sleep at 2:30am with a drunk Aunt and her friend. Everybody enjoys complaining. Just fuckit.
Ruining the moment for me and everybody in my world who is involved.