Bitter SweeT

I feel insufficient. Like the train without a track, like the man without a heart, or the soldier without a cause. Lacking in depth of situation and just swimming through life oblivious of the fact that I am the definition of a scatter Brain.
2 things: bitter sweet love, bitter sweet life

Bitter sweet love is the burning sensation you get knowing that somebody loves you regardeless of your present disposition. Your faults are not as important to them as your strengths are. The world let’s that person aid you whenever wherever. You are pretty much going through a love hate relationship, that involves loving a person even though you want to hate them. Bitter sweet marraiges stick through the end, bitter sweet relationships are more so like challenges(like a race when two people are tied together at the legs) you must keep going on.

Bitter sweet life: a life so ill you want to shoot yourself over the thought of always having to do shit. Always running, always working, constantly moving around and establishing yourself in a world of men that are irreversible. Workaholics,junkies, gangastas, mothers, nascar drivers. For all who wish to succeed, there is a certain level of self-sacrifice given to that issue. Namely, bitter sweet.

I learn from those who have bitter sweet lives and strive to achieve a bittersweet life. The sole law against myself is myself,I am a law unto myself and I persecute myself everyday for not doing what should be done. Where did imy superego come undone. It is I who has the power to put peace in a pile of rubbish, calm the storm life has created for me. Bitter sweet like acid rain teaches me to withstand the pain and live to be strong again.

And a bitter sweet love developed within me. Not atypical to the ordinary stereotype: I flee cause I can its a feat that no man can I stand side by side with a man and let the good things come my way as I push up in this land of disaster and wealth. Strive for a greater connection in a lose network. The rings that bind worlds are false and unprecedented so I breathe and let his words escape inside me. I let them force their way into me nudge me into a corner and school the inner beast within me. With bitter sweet love you can achieve complacency and humble solitude.

Most times

Most times I’m ok with not feeling subject to hurt and pain because I know the feeling is only but a pass and go thing. But when it comes, it comes hard. And I feel slightly inclined to go off on a rampage about the sadness and pain I’m going through, why not? If I am hurt, the world should hurt too.

Sadness and fear overwhelm me, what crazy loony woman can I be? Glee Master spoke words of wisdom in the 4th floor study lounge as I tried to study for my history exam(i was unsuccesful), instead I listened to him question my reasons for deleting my X’s photos. What a crazy question, i asked myself, ofcourse everybody cuts out the memories that were left behind with another person. He laughed and said I shouldn’t have, I should have handled myself more maturely.

I lead a life of tredpidation and disconcern for my past, most of the time. When should I ever incur hurt on myself, why would i? I leave those memories behind with the person that left me behind. And better yet, I will erase them. no wait, I’ll fucking delete them. it is the past, we should want to die happy and not full of unwanted luggage.

So, the brilliance of Glee Master’s questions and philosophical words ringed in my head. He said I reminded him of Angela Basset, a wild and vivacious actress, who burned the car of her x in a film.

Anger by Angela Basset

Yes, If my x were anywhere next to me, i wouldn’t burn his car..I’d tie him to a moving truck, set it on fire then cause the truck to bang into another oil truck. Hence causing a massive explosion that would burn my x alive and roast him.

I love you. Just but words that ring in a relationship that could mean anything from “I love you and want you” to “I love you and thanks for the time”. I disputed Glee Master’s comments, you can control what you say and who you say it to. What you think and how you feel because people are mobile forces in your life that are only represented by your thought. I can think up the idea of loving someone and loving everything about them and I will. I can even be an accepting human being and choose to overlook the faults in a relationship to suit my preferances.



I contemplate whether this law can be applied to my relationship with Mike, and yes, ofcourse Glee Master would be appaled. But here’s how I have controlled my situation:
I have very strong feelings for my boyfriend, I choose to accept his differences and live a life of happiness and no worries

I chose anger when it comes to persistance because i feel that this is a strong emotion that can manifest itself into persuasion, influence and control over the situation. So i don’t get angry with Mike, I get angry when I think of all the pain I endured from my x. It guides my emotion in what is right for me. If I humble myself, who’s to say I will forget those hurtful times and never truly mark what standards I have for society. What standards I wish other girl’s should have for the guys in their lives. Other things need to be remembered, I will look at my daughter in her eyes and cry cause I see and can tell her what I saw. Not with a humble melancholy happy face, with a face so stern it will shut her up and let her know “mama knows what the heck she’s talking about”

Most times, its happiness and I center my world around that, because I am comfortable. Like the lioness chooses to keep her cubs in a reserve, their safe. She can hunt, she is safe, her emotions untouched, her want for food and protection lessens, she has all she needs. I have all I need with Mike.

Most times, I’m not in control any more. It’s a new me. This is the definition of where my anger has gone.

he will be forgotten, the pain won’t be.

Law of Success

Mike gave me this philosophical book called Law of Success written by Napoleon Hill’s in an attempt to open up my world views. His attempts were successful, my main aim this week was to read as much of the book as possible. I guess i achieved my goals and I’m almost done with it, I just need to decide whether finishing the book would be the best thing for me.

Law of success brings clarity to issues I questioned about the causes and answers of life. Why do people do what they do? What is the right thing to do? Am I crazy for wanting to be successful? Is success a simple strategic move or is it something that is self-defined.

Lesson One: Divine Purpose, Auto-suggestion
Belief in a purpose that serves to better your nature/ your future and the world. Auto-suggestion is the sub-conscious attraction you have to attract the things that will help you achieve that goal

Lesson Two: Self-confidence
Attaining self-confidence is important in controlling how you attract the universe. Through thought, and belief in one-self it builds character and gives you the oppurtunity to tackle your goals

Lesson Three: Initiative and Leadership
These are the driving forces of your divine purpose. Initiative is the idea of organized thought when planning how to go for what you want. It is the result of self-confidence and action towards your goals. Leadership is how you undertake this divine purpose: So you know what you want in life, what is the ideal structure of your success, what should you want to strive for.

Lesson Four: Imagination
The science of creation. Imagination is the idea that forms to create and be able to form new ideas using new information you’ve learned and old ideas. with the process of mob-psychology it is made possible. Imagination is an important asset in success because it enables you to invest in experience and learn how to be better as well as go further in life.

Lesson Five: Action
You can do it if you believe you can. Action is usually hindered by habit and fear. the idea that the masses will judge you and exclude you from the activities always gets in the way of action. But courage(the ability for one to stick to their values and beliefs knowing full well of the fears their up against) is inhabited by leaders and action is the only result of this.

Lesson Six: Enthusiasm
You must do something you have a passion for and take an interest in. If your divine purpose is something that makes you happy, you will inspire others to be happy. With telepathy and the sharing of ideas and emotions, human energy is passed from one person to the next. Enthusiasim is that characteristic that you need to develop towards your goals so that other people are just as perceptive as you are.

Lesson Seven: Self-control
The principle of sticking to your guns comes into play. Self control is the characteristic of a good leader, if you do not exercise self control you will destroy your environment and yourself.

Lesson Eight: Habit of performing more service than paid for
Taking the initiative and action learned in previous chapters to do more than is required is what is the key to success. This valuable lesson shows that people do not have to seek material wealth for every action they perform. Performing more than is required yields more returns all the time. Those returns are knowledge, respect, repertoire, offers from higher persons and a knowledge that you helped another person achieve more. Sometimes helping people, helps you.

Lesson 9, 11, 12, 13 and 14 are yet to be written.


Whats puzzling is that I don’t advise anybody to pull down the final curtain on any idea or belief they may have. What’s the use in saying something won’t happen if you haven’t even tried it. So when I’m asked if I believe something is going to last, I say “I pray it does” because even though I know that the fate of whatever object, subject, instance or relationship might be bad, it doesn’t make it ok to call out something that hasn’t proven itself..

I believe in free choice and the bloom of something you work for might come to light..just might if you try.
It’s all about what you want out of life.

Fuck spirituality.

Everybody over rates it. i looked up the meaning of spirituality the other day and I couldn’t believe how vague it was. a place in which one feels a profound sense of belonging Guess what? I don’t want to be obi-wan-ka-no-B. I want to be dramasque. I wake up in the morning forcing myself not to think that the expected might not come true because I am giving myself a chance to move without paying attention to the irritating banners on my forehead.

People will tell you you can’t make it, they will tell you YOU WON’T MAKE IT and they will even tell you YOU ARE CRAZY, YOU HAVE A LOOSE GRIP ON REALITY, YOU NEED TO GROW UP THEN YOU WILL LEARN.

no, the world knows the same thing, just different authors wrote it for each of us. I believe in going forward for the one thing that makes sense to you.
I LOVE THEATREnobody will stop me or pull down the curtains.

Fuck spirituality..big word, lots of vowels but not a whole lot of meat when it comes to reality. My reality is believing I can do what I want, and doing it.