I feel like screaming in the middle of the night. I must be the only girl on 2go who doesnt feel a remote sense of sleepiness. I have insomnia, my brains a powerhouse and right now, were making depression for breakfast!
I can’t believe hours ago I spent arguiing with Mutti and Vatti about the state of affairs of my purgatory. I kindly requested to go see my friends, the most important ones, before i leave for uni in 10days. Mutti was ofcourse hysterical and made me cry like a blubbering child, mucus and balancing tears galore. Vatti was tempramental,calm,logical and understanding. He made it clear its a YES. Mutti made it clear its a dead blank NO.
I didn’t miss the shouting. The shouting and screaming hapenned way before i finished school. I just freaked out, I’m used to the comotion caused by my social requests. Is meeting somebody somewhere so wrong? Let alone even just going to get out of the house by yourself? Mutti has lost the perception she could have had to be a great mother. Now,i either fear her or am very rude to her. Sad to say in this case, I was really rude. Telling her she only thinks about herself, and I’ve really adjusted to her not being part and parcel of my life decisions. Yeh..the truth hurts.
Atleast I was granted my wish, now I have a whole week to plan who I want to meet and when. Please God, make these 10days go peacefully.
I have insomnia tonight because i deliberately dug for information about ‘him’. Yes,i said i was letting go of an x that was more or less dead to me, haunting me and such.. But thats not the end. You never forget who broke your virginity, especially for girls. So i’m 2go’n with one of his friends who says his fine, had a new girl the other day, his happy, always has been. And suddenly that nice painted picture of me picking up the phone and abusing him before i leave for the University Within fizzles out. Instead I’m filled with remorse and deadpan hurt. How could he be so cruel?How could he go through me like I never meant anything? They say when you think about someone, they appear, what happened?
The truth hurts. I’m tired of asking his friend for insider info, now atleast I know who’s the user and manipulator.
It seems like for the longest time I’ve let supposing take over my life. I’ve supposed the worst of Mutti and Vatti based upon their anger and resentment towards my social inqueries. But when i asked it proved what I knew was true but hoped it wouldn’t be true. It proved that Muttis a selfconscious, pretentious woman with no positive feelings in her bone. It also proved Vatti’s understanding nature. I want to believe Mutti would be more perceptive after all these years, I also want to believe Vatti isn’t so acedemically driven.
Ive let supposing take over my heart. Whoever said he was hurting too. Now atleast I know the truth and its cutting me like a viper. God is telling me to forcefully forget about him. Not even the slightest bit of revenge will make a difference at this point. There is a wall between us, literally from the DoT to the otherside(flyovers).
This day has been emotionally exhausting. But i resolve to hold on to my biases, the change i cant believe in, the truths that humanity is different because deep down I know if i conform. Ill lose the truth of individual thinking and a higher echelon of understanding that is mine and mine alone to teach and advocate. After all, what I know here is the truth we all begin with.