New mind

I feel regret,
I slept on vines and woke up dead,
I feel worse off,
I made a meal and jumped in a castle,
I got to wake up,
Smoke the wind, hit the bags,
I see the mirror,
Cold ice turkey, make a sandwich,
I know theres heartbreak,
File some papers, drink an ashtray,
I am lazy,
Contradiction, peace of world war,
I am distraught,
Such is life, make a movie,

I can’t confuse me,But me know you,
Lots of things do, but i’ve shown you,
Where the heat lies and the deadend,
Where the list lies and no ammends,
Kill joy and truth are haunting,
Chalk white is screeching,
Fiddle with your fingers and pass them through these girls,
Toy with their hearts and fuck with their worlds,
Believing is dreaming,
Supposing is flying,
I cant fly on invisible clouds but me know you,
I cant scream at what knowledge found but me know you,
Cool shirt, blue and gray,
Fashion, media, shit and hay,
I don’t care for skimming,
I mark the most promising,

The Truth Hurts

I feel like screaming in the middle of the night. I must be the only girl on 2go who doesnt feel a remote sense of sleepiness. I have insomnia, my brains a powerhouse and right now, were making depression for breakfast!

I can’t believe hours ago I spent arguiing with Mutti and Vatti about the state of affairs of my purgatory. I kindly requested to go see my friends, the most important ones, before i leave for uni in 10days. Mutti was ofcourse hysterical and made me cry like a blubbering child, mucus and balancing tears galore. Vatti was tempramental,calm,logical and understanding. He made it clear its a YES. Mutti made it clear its a dead blank NO.

I didn’t miss the shouting. The shouting and screaming hapenned way before i finished school. I just freaked out, I’m used to the comotion caused by my social requests. Is meeting somebody somewhere so wrong? Let alone even just going to get out of the house by yourself? Mutti has lost the perception she could have had to be a great mother. Now,i either fear her or am very rude to her. Sad to say in this case, I was really rude. Telling her she only thinks about herself, and I’ve really adjusted to her not being part and parcel of my life decisions. Yeh..the truth hurts.

Atleast I was granted my wish, now I have a whole week to plan who I want to meet and when. Please God, make these 10days go peacefully.

I have insomnia tonight because i deliberately dug for information about ‘him’. Yes,i said i was letting go of an x that was more or less dead to me, haunting me and such.. But thats not the end. You never forget who broke your virginity, especially for girls. So i’m 2go’n with one of his friends who says his fine, had a new girl the other day, his happy, always has been. And suddenly that nice painted picture of me picking up the phone and abusing him before i leave for the University Within fizzles out. Instead I’m filled with remorse and deadpan hurt. How could he be so cruel?How could he go through me like I never meant anything? They say when you think about someone, they appear, what happened?

The truth hurts. I’m tired of asking his friend for insider info, now atleast I know who’s the user and manipulator.

It seems like for the longest time I’ve let supposing take over my life. I’ve supposed the worst of Mutti and Vatti based upon their anger and resentment towards my social inqueries. But when i asked it proved what I knew was true but hoped it wouldn’t be true. It proved that Muttis a selfconscious, pretentious woman with no positive feelings in her bone. It also proved Vatti’s understanding nature. I want to believe Mutti would be more perceptive after all these years, I also want to believe Vatti isn’t so acedemically driven.

Ive let supposing take over my heart. Whoever said he was hurting too. Now atleast I know the truth and its cutting me like a viper. God is telling me to forcefully forget about him. Not even the slightest bit of revenge will make a difference at this point. There is a wall between us, literally from the DoT to the otherside(flyovers).

This day has been emotionally exhausting. But i resolve to hold on to my biases, the change i cant believe in, the truths that humanity is different because deep down I know if i conform. Ill lose the truth of individual thinking and a higher echelon of understanding that is mine and mine alone to teach and advocate. After all, what I know here is the truth we all begin with.

Embrace Your Culture(Kiria Munua!)

I’m currently staring at a woman reading from the bible in a completely different language either than english. It sounds strangely familiar, PLO,but that makes sense!i am at a PLO function. I am from the PLO race, ok quarter of me is anyway.

Vatti’s long time friend is getting married today,traditional PLO style. And we decided to the District of PLO’s to witness the first part of the traditional ceremony:the official request for the bride. Ofcourse my uncle already has 3 other children with this woman but it makes sense to do it traditional if you grew up in a family that was cultural.

This is the introduction of a traditional marraige its for the purpose of themans family formally getting to know the womans family n introducing themselves to one another. I think its called a gurachia. The second part is the giving of dowry from the mans side to the woman. Ofcourse in this case, the dowry will be money and possibly cows(alot of it!because they already have 3kids out of wedlock). The second part will take place next year and its called a gurario. So..yeh!

In the gurachia, today, the elders of each family sit and discuss what the dowry,official introduction is going to cost(PLO’z..we love money!and cows!)Then we eat,socialize,then pray. Each head of family,probably the father of the bride and groom introduces the family and friends on each side. Then the father of the man introduces his son to the father of the girl, the interesting part of looking for the girl happens as they bring in different supposed ‘bride-to-be’s’,They find her,big introduduction of girl,boy and their parents.Then the men discuss the introduction fee in private(paternal society) and we go home!

Mutti and Vatti arent cultural at all. I think the last and previous times i was at DoPLO was because of funerals of Vatti’s relatives I have no idea about. Ok, so I didnt eat the food, it smelled good but it was dry.geez…maybe I was too white back then.

Ok,this time,today i’m giving it a chance. I’m eating the food.Ok a hair’s in there, I’m eating everything BUT the hair. And then,I’m staring into blank space since the woman sitting next to me is spitting bits of whatever ghastly thing she’s eating on the floor. And when i ask her if she wants a soda in english, she speaks back in PLO. I’m making it work like totally.

This is like being born in a world full of gnomes!it’s so cool. I don’t get them. Oh wait, I know his talking about Jehovah..i guess…oh,and jehivah’s connection to marraige.Ah I’m getting somewhere. If only Mutti wasnt looking at me with a death stare…Yes, I gotta blog the moment!

Whats funny is that I dont understand PLO or speak it.Alex is trying to teach me, its quite interesting. ‘neh menete’z…’neh gwedetes’…yeh. ‘im loving it.

Most people DonT KnoW

Most people hate what they cant resolve,
Most people want what they can’t have,
Most people feel a strange thing called love,
Most peoples hearts get broken,

Most people rely on people they think are truth tellers,
Truth tellers are ordinary people such as ourselves,
Most people lie to themselves about the truth,
Most people cant deal with the truth,

Most people cry at funerals because everybody else crieS,
Most people find it hard to cry for someone they never knew,
Most people like people who offer them gifts,
Most people hate spending their money on different things,

Most people are born daft then they seek knowledge,
Most people are jealous of those that have,
Most people use knowledge and power together,
Most people are self-destructive,

Most people seek guidance in God’s they’ve never seen,
Most people sing hymns that they don’t really know,
Most people sleep in church and along church rows,
Most people sin knowingly,

Most people need jobs to make money,
Most people control others and complain of control,
Most people refuse whats hardest to struggle for,
Most people die alone lonely death,

Most people can’t figure out eachother,
Most people have bad habits they can’t stop,
Most people like to follow eachother,
Stepping into your own thing is the new old,

Most people refuse to break their marraige,
Most people cheat on everybody but themselves,
Most people like places that they’ve been,
Most people don’t care for truths their told.

Rider ChiCs

I grew up wanting to be a tomboy. Everything about the idea delighted me.To me, that was the answer. Infact Thats why sometimes i question if most of me is boy or girl.

On 2go, you’ve got so many chics claiming to be bad bitches but they arent. What have i learned? Everybody wants to be a bad ass. I do too! But the main point is that maybe its ok to be a girly girl and still look good. Ive heard of the helga’s on this earth,stronger than dudes and oh so seductive in her nature. I had a helga as i was growing up, she was called Steph, she played every sport and new all the guy codes, dudes hung with her and liked her most. Why not?we relate to those that are most like us.

I’m gonna take a step and remember what curtis and others before him said, dont give a fuck what people think. But what if its the very guys who you’re trying to impress that want a rider chick,a helga.

Even celebrities, these days, are going bad ass! Lady gaga and her impression of everything deviant leaves her weird and evil,isnt evil the new good? Beyonce’s gone completely illuminati, no longer does she have her ‘halo’ but a huge stamp on her forehead saying ‘fat ass bitch’. Infact, stars from weezy to kelis and back down to rockers like system of a down attract the majority who want such pessimsm in their lives. Saddists are becoming the in-thing. It’s cool to be wrong on all levels.

I’m befuddled.because is life about conforming?or is it mere individuality? And why be looked down upon just cause you’re not a strong,athletic,crazy female hooligan?

At this point in my life i can ascertain that i can play hardball,but i don’t want to. Because with that characteristic comes a set of dares and boundary scratchers that I can’t go into. Secy…secys yearning to come out. But look, just now that guy on 2go was really rude and cocky just cause i wimped out(yeh he said he rode a bike,has a rockband and his an artist but..). I deleted his idiotic bad ass self because he was pushing my limits, must I be a badass to get a guy?Must we be bad asses to gain attention?.. The temptation of it all still intruigues me.

Secy feels held back,confinement.