There’s something definately wrong with me and in so many ways more than one, it shows. How can I hide my anger? How can I hide my sadness? When my thoughts haunt me 24.7 and fill my heart with complete and utter disgust??
These are black thoughts from my black rotting heart. I thought I could escape them by feeding of other people’s hapiness, preying on their lives and observing their laughter from close range. This one thing keeps etching its way in to my life and eating me up inside, bringing out the worst in me from tiome to time. It’s a release of negative energy developed over 18 years of confinement: sexual, physical, emotional, mental, pyschological: Anger
I hate people, I’m starting to hate the world and sooner or later, I’m going to hate myself. Yesterday I went to church with Mutti and she didn’t want to say the sign of peace with me, she never does. And in that moment I wanted to scream and kill her. But I’m ok with it, I told myself, I;m ok with her being a bitch. I know she only thinks of herself and I’m cool with that. Even at the party for my goddaughter she thought of herself by telling everybody before I even got a word in that I’m leaving on the 2nd week of January for the University Within. What bullshit…what pur bullshit.
Yesterday I couldn’t handle Mutti’s conniving manner. I stepped out of God’s House and cried, for no apparent reason feelings of hate, screaming inside me were just escaping through my tears. wtf….am i mad. It was so hard to stop myself, but I did. I got back in there and pretended that things are never that serious, even though at the bottom of my stomach I know they are. I don’t care for meagre issues like poverty and destruction. What about the poverty of ones soul?
This deep feeling in my gut gets worse everyday. I want to run away but I need to go to the University Within, it kills me that when I wanted to run away when I was 14 years old, my friends stopped me, convincing me that it wasnever gonna help me out. I remember TJ talking me out of it. They said “dramasque, stop being a dramaqueen and deal with it”
I have to keep it together because I feel like people are too simplistic to understand what kind of anger broils inside me. I’ve managed to inahbit the worst out of Vatti’s nature, thinking like everybody owes me because I try and give my best in a relationship. All i can say, is I’m sorry for my anger. I want this choking feeling to end. I want to breathe the air that you breathe and feel the life that you feel but my conscience is built in with only one motive.” FUCK EVERYBODY”. I care for people but then again I want to stop. I hold my head in my hands and scream like the deprived child, the starving child, tha abused child.
I feel anger