The feeling makes me want to shake,
I’m losing – my brakes,
Dont make me think about the consequences,
Just placate – placate me

Can’t really understand you now
Dont cry – just leave me
I hate you and I hate everything about you now,
Dont know – what the deal is
Im down
Look in the mirror can't stop the girl,
Spinning in – her own world
Anger boiling and thats the fucking problem with,
The world – today

I don’t want to argue with you now
Smash – your teeth in
Anger sizzling I can’t hear a sound because you’re,
Muscling – In
I’m down

Just wanna store the bodies in the ground and shhhhhh…
Shut – up
I don’t miss you, I don’t love you, don’t wanna hear a sound
Shut – up

The darkness calls, its mine forever don’t tear me away,
Rip – your heart out
I don’t really care what those people say,
Don’t care – about povert – y
I’m down


There’s something definately wrong with me and in so many ways more than one, it shows. How can I hide my anger? How can I hide my sadness? When my thoughts haunt me 24.7 and fill my heart with complete and utter disgust??

These are black thoughts from my black rotting heart. I thought I could escape them by feeding of other people’s hapiness, preying on their lives and observing their laughter from close range. This one thing keeps etching its way in to my life and eating me up inside, bringing out the worst in me from tiome to time. It’s a release of negative energy developed over 18 years of confinement: sexual, physical, emotional, mental, pyschological: Anger

I hate people, I’m starting to hate the world and sooner or later, I’m going to hate myself. Yesterday I went to church with Mutti and she didn’t want to say the sign of peace with me, she never does. And in that moment I wanted to scream and kill her. But I’m ok with it, I told myself, I;m ok with her being a bitch. I know she only thinks of herself and I’m cool with that. Even at the party for my goddaughter she thought of herself by telling everybody before I even got a word in that I’m leaving on the 2nd week of January for the University Within. What bullshit…what pur bullshit.

Yesterday I couldn’t handle Mutti’s conniving manner. I stepped out of God’s House and cried, for no apparent reason feelings of hate, screaming inside me were just escaping through my tears. wtf….am i mad. It was so hard to stop myself, but I did. I got back in there and pretended that things are never that serious, even though at the bottom of my stomach I know they are. I don’t care for meagre issues like poverty and destruction. What about the poverty of ones soul?

This deep feeling in my gut gets worse everyday. I want to run away but I need to go to the University Within, it kills me that when I wanted to run away when I was 14 years old, my friends stopped me, convincing me that it wasnever gonna help me out. I remember TJ talking me out of it. They said “dramasque, stop being a dramaqueen and deal with it”

I have to keep it together because I feel like people are too simplistic to understand what kind of anger broils inside me. I’ve managed to inahbit the worst out of Vatti’s nature, thinking like everybody owes me because I try and give my best in a relationship. All i can say, is I’m sorry for my anger. I want this choking feeling to end. I want to breathe the air that you breathe and feel the life that you feel but my conscience is built in with only one motive.” FUCK EVERYBODY”. I care for people but then again I want to stop. I hold my head in my hands and scream like the deprived child, the starving child, tha abused child.

I feel anger

Nights Elite

By reprimand, that had to be the best, most influential night of my life. Damn Vatti and Mutii for trapping me in this prison. The world seems to be a whole other organ unto itself full of connections, diverse links, special traits that most people are naive about.

I went out with Mutti and Vatti for this thanksgiving dinner that the doctor holds annually at his house. This was so special to me because it was my first thanksgiving(ever!), it was hosted by the doctor( who was my main contact that go tme in to the University Within when I got all those rejections in April) and it was going to be the last formal dinner I’d have with a big bunch of people before I leave for the University Within.

Mutti was acting like such a hag on entering the function because she kept telling the Doctor’s son-0in-law how much of a nuisance I was wanting to go Earlier to the Land of Opportunity. She made me look so bad infront of all those people, like I was being an impatient brattish child!I wanted to smack her in the face. I wish Vatti was there to take control of the situation and properly explain to all these judgers that I was going early for my own benefit, to acclimitize to the environment I’d be living in for 10 years!!

Apart from that the night went extremely well. I mean being the youngest person there and the 2nd youngest being about half my age, it was nice to socialize with a group of people who knew the meaning of life and the imoportance of wealth and diplomacy. Lets face it, it was good all around to be with a group of people!

The one thing I took for granted is knowing enough people because my parnets know enough people, looking around that crowded dining room I could see what all the fuss was about. The elite are the shit! They are the thinkers, the innovators, the instructors, the drivers behind every large scale operation there is in this world. Their connections get them places. Their connections get them HELL OF ALOT’A MONEY TOO!

I met a man who was once at Yale and another woman who owned a HUGE trust fund that supported kids financially(plus her own building). I met a woman who was a professor in the Isle of Corruption, another man who was a former person of government and a columnist editor for the United Nations. I couldn’t stop gaping my night was filled with adoration and awe for all the wonderfull occupations.

It just goes to show what wit and connections can do for you. I whole lot! And if this is anything to go by, I’m really excited to be part of the Land of Oppurtunity people.:-)