The weirdest day ever happened like it never hapenned before.I woke up in the morning knowing two things: Thor was leaving and I was going to meet Douche.
How crazy is it that you wake u in the morning and you have your agenda planned out for you. Living for the moment.I disagree. Every moment has its initiative and its plan. Life has to be organized.
I guess, this mentality got me into trouble. I mean living in a box was not my intention but that’s where i found myself. So i woke up in the morning, put on my jeans and a cleavage inviting top. Mutti dropped me off for graphic design classes and I set of for the bus waiting area, I needed to catch one fast. Thor was about to leave Westlands and if i didn’t meet him, I’d see him in not less than 6 years, the gravty of the situation dawning on me I wated. Boy, was that the longest wait in the world. This same bus waiting area was also used by Vatti and his Megatronic Range rover vogue to go to work. Waht if he passed by and saw his princess daughter waiting for a bus?!and to go where?!? I freaked out. The scared little girl turned back and as usual, I made a mental note to tell Thor that I couldn’t make it 😦 this is how it always is. But i think I enjoy the absence and the comfort of unchanging circumstances. I just kept thinking, thank God I’m going back, what if Vatti caught me?
Thor wasn’t willing to give up. I should’ve guessed, after all we’ve been through. He told me to meet him at a nearby supermarket. So i begged these guys to take me there, I recognized one of them being Karan, a guy I had met at the graphic school on a random day. They were smoking in the car, I entered without hesitation, I needed to do this for Thor.
Thor arrived and the indian guys who dropped me off left. I was nervous. This was also the supermarket area where Vatti got fuel for his car. But I needed to seem calm for Thor, I wasn’t pulling it off very well. Here I was faced with a conflict of emotions. I wanted to be Thor’s lady love who’d dearly miss him but at the same time I didn’t know how to tell him I needed a ride back to school or that I could be busted by Vatti Story of my life. Solving multiple challenges at the same time.
Thor was angry, he left looking sad that I couldn’t keep focused. I was sad too…whats going to happen to us. I told him Ihow i felt on Monday? Is this the end? Are the external factors of Them going to tamper with the relationship we have?Will see him before I leave for the LoO? Crap, I wanted to think about these things and discuss with him…I knew the resolutions would kick in later.
I got back to school, still abit nervous by my quick gateway and who do I find there: The cool bunch of indians, smoking and skiving their morning classes. I don;t know what naivity kicked in, but I decided to go sit next to them in the car. Karan and his friend Shatig were bragging about their business proposals and business deals. Male-super-ego talk. I sat and listened in silence, encouraging them and at the same time mocking their vanity. Shatig was the brains who typed, Karan was the king who spoke and did the Isle of Corruption corruption.
They told me they needed to go pick up a friend at the supermarket so I went with them. I guess Karan had that greedy look in his eyes when I boasted how good at pilates I was. I did a few stretches for them and I think that’s what sparked the nightmare that ensued. When we arrived at the supermarket Shatig left the car to supposedly go “pick up something”, Karan made the first move “do you want a leg massage”. Dramasque,”of course!”. The massage turned into a touchy moment and Karan obviously wanted to get a feel of me in that car. Secy was saying “let him do it” but I wanted to scream, no way in hell did I enjoy this!And I didn’t want Karan’s grimy hands on me so I told him to not touch me down there, or anywhere else. He played it cool, asking me if I wanted a shoulder massage as well and i submitted but trusting him only to a certain degree. I knew what was going on, he had the connections and the maturity, so he felt he had a right to tempt me and seduce me in that car. Did I feel good?Yes, for abit I liked it, then I hated his hands attempting to touch me.
We got back to school, I felt wrong. That was a face to face situation that I should’ve handled with the utmost womanly elegance and instead, i was living for the moment and being cool. Up till the point when it hit me and I was already in that situation. I felt like a fetus, injected with a shot of adrenaline and no way of controlling my principles. Next time, when I’m faced with such a tempting situation, so radical and upfront. I’ll walk away, I’ll listen to J.
The driver didn’t notice me waltzing in and i guiltily went to class.
After I was done with class, I got to my icdl class and there I told my classmates what happened. I couldn’t keep my big mouth to myself and it felt good to let it out. When i was done with icdl I went to see Ford, he was excited to see me but after the morning I’d had I just wanted to be with a friend who understood the mental trauma I’d gone through.
We sat and watched Zane in the room till it was time for me to go meet Douche. Ford was reluctant to let me leave, it’s been one week since we met and he’s already getting attached?!I can’t handle this. I made another mental note to find out if he was trying to use me. I’m not used to having to talk to a guy a face to face. This was one situation where I was being flirted with in person, hoe do I resist temptation and at the same time lay some friendly ground rules. I resisted his attempts to kiss me and walked off, i’d had enough, this was one situation where my body wasn’t going to be manipulated. For my part, I played it cool.
I walked to the mall and met Douche. Face to face inquisition. He looked really sad like he’d had enough. I was FED UP. After all the abandonment he made me go through for two weeks, I wanted to scream in his face and throw his coke in the water. fuck that…i wanted to cry and say that as much as I had people who loved me and i had Thor, I needed the friend I had in Douche. I laid it out, we talked about it. I surprised myself, I was clear and to the point. For his part he told me he felt that he was holding me down.. he agve me things to think about. Maybe I accept too much mentally. And the reality of the situation is that people can’t live up to those standards so they hide behind the “live for the moment” theory so their not subjected to deadlines, and critiques.
Am i right? Am I even normal for thinking this way? Nevertheless I took deep breaths as i talked face to face with Douche. A mixture of questions and feelings. He helped me clarify it all. I didn’t have to go through the puzzles of relationships alone. I walked out of there feelings responsible, the task is mine to fullfill and i must accomplish it. I must accomplish certainty and peace.
I’m sitting on my bed touching the chain…how weird can face to face situations be. Technology allows one to speak slowly, think, act almost definately to how they want to be. Technology lies. Technology is immediate. All that technology isn’t is what face to face conversations seem to be.