Suddenly my back feels so cold.like really cold water was just poured down my back,my spine,freezing…fuck.
Why does this have to be so damn confusing…Douche told me a long time ago,fuck it,shit hapenns.move on. Dont think about it.I have a long way to go.There’s more out there.yeh..
I’m listening,but its like were all trapped in our own predicament and the real struggle comes when we try to see through these transluscent stain glass walls.cause its like we know theres something better waiting for us on the other side, but looking at it is kind of hard.
Looking at a future,is kind of hard for me. Truth is i try to make sense of it,plan it all out in my head,like Vatti showed me and yet…I cant do it.its like I’m going beyond what I should be concerned about because I’m either not satisfied. Or just scared.
Scared that if I’m not planning ahead,ill be a failure to everybody.I’ll be a failure to myself.
Perfection cant be achieved,but it can be perfected. My idea of perfection can be perfected..and yet,i feel disgusted doing so, cause its a selfdestructing thought. How can i ever perfect my plan to be perfect..how twisted can one idealogy,one theory become?
I need to stop though, cause,its like ive driven away guys that sincerely like me,taunting them with these future plans, as much as I hate to do it. I hate to keep it inside.
One guy told me yesterday ‘dont say ‘but’ dramasque, it nullifies whatever caring emotion you said to me before’…keeping my emotions,self imploding..changing the way i see things.
Damnnit!wtf…live for today?..live for today and be a fly on the wall.because today,doesnt look so glamorous and neither does the next 90 days of purgatory.
Atleast i can say im mad..